Cancerous – 6 Years On

Cancerous – 6 Years On

Been a while now since I haven’t been far away, didn’t know why and didn’t care to try
Put that smile on my face when mama talked to me about the adventures she’d been to
They interrupted when they came in with their suits
Told her something that turned her face so grey
“What’s the matter mummy, why won’t you look at me?”
“Nothing Neelo baby I just gotta go make myself some tea”
Too many people here under the weather
Trying to stay awake while in their beds
Alone that night with needles in my hands and arms
And a machine beside me that wouldn’t stop beeping
It kept me up all night from sleeping
Too many pills, injections and equipment
This nurse now was starting to make me sick
“Cant I just go home now?”
“Naw, you can’t cos’ you’re not allowed”
The next time they came and took my mummy away I followed sneakily
To place my ear against the door and hear a cry
What are they saying? All I hear is the words ‘fighting’, ‘trying’, ‘spreading’ and ‘dying’
What’s this new word I hear? Something that sounds like ‘Leukaemia’ – mia – mia

Damn this, I feel like running far away to nowhere
Because this world is strange and staying alive isn’t fair
Need more air this room feels too tight
Even better everyone is here now without an invite
Aunts, uncles and cousins from across the world
They can’t be here just to see me
You stand a meter away from me like I’m some alien
Whisper things thinking I can’t here, so what I’m cancerous?
Not like it’s gonna be getting to y’all within a sneeze
Instead of making me better, this all is making me more ill
A low percentage of living isn’t something to worry about
Maybe it’s a good thing because now I won’t get any shouts
Made a gracious new friend across my room that day
She called me over every night to her bedside to play puzzles and to pass time away
She got what I got, she talks of how long she been here
And how much it hurts when she can’t live like a normal girl
“Walk to school in hand to hand, stuff your face in whatever you like, let the sun soak into the skin and the wind blow your hair”
Those were the normal days
I thought to go by her bed to share some chips on that Sunday
She slept motionless even when I quaked
Her mother sobbed while they took her away
What does this all say about me? Will I not succeed?

Some familiar faces disappearing slowly
That night I put my hands together to say a pray
“Oh Allah, if I don’t wake the next day, make sure that my loved ones stay safe”
Later on nine weeks went by and I couldn’t see anything
Dreamt weird things like they were trying to tell me something
Felt way too much pain but couldn’t get myself to scream
Everything was on fire and I could hear mumbles of prayers
‘Please don’t go planning a funeral for me
Because it’s something that you all won’t need
I will come out of this and you will see
See how I am a fighter and how strong I can be’
I said to myself without my mouth speaking and without anyone hearing
I wish to see someone’s face and to feel someone’s touch
I can’t stay on this life support because it’s all mistaken
And it’s not doing anything but making me ill
Flesh peeling is making my body itch
Tape over my eyes is hurting with ablaze
Maybe I’ve gone blind and that was the reason for their stupid tape
I’m not dead just yet; I’m just hanging of the chain arc
That’s attached to the ship
Just grab my hand and help me out of this mad sea
But wait a little longer, because now there is something I see
Something below this sea, oh how beautiful this is glimmering my eyes
It disappears and I wish it would come back; maybe that under world isn’t so bad

Six years on and I’m just fine
Got a job and studying full time
Just living with these memories of such pain and signs
I keep within me that beautiful thing that glimmered my eyes
Trying to picture it all in my mind
Even though those deep dreams and memories are clearly remembered
And those words that the docs said
Sometimes it still feels like its living in me in the red
At times my fam would tell me that they lost me for a short while
And about how at times I got violent, bad and crazy
But shush now because I don’t like to hear about it
You tell me what you saw and heard
But you never asked me how I felt and how I saw it all
I hope that none of my loved ones go through this
So it don’t matter that I missed half of my childhood life
It don’t mean that I didn’t catch up much easily as you
So they say all is ok now from outside, but what about the inside?
Oh Lord, what’s this new thing that I hear?
(Sigh) maybe this thing does pass about
My guardian can’t have got it
He isn’t meant to go through with this
Even though it’s not all the same
But still it has to be the same shame of blame!

Being a prisoner in your own mind you don’t need
Your heart telling you to keep fighting for your life – fighter
Fulfil your goals and dreams
Believe things will get much better – believe yourself
Just because you’re going through this
It don’t mean that you got to quit – please don’t quit
Have patience for the pain
And you never know a miracle might be yourself – a miracle
Stay much stronger and don’t give up
Because you don’t really want your life to break itself – right?

Written By Neelam Ahmed

Oh Allah I thank You for giving me life, for maybe giving me another chance in life. I thank You for keeping my loved ones safe. I thank You for helping my family and friends help me go through my past. And I thank You for what You have given me today.